Over the past year I have received a lot of unhelpful commentary. The comments have either fuelled my eating disorder or have tried to hinder my recovery but either way it has taken a lot of resilience built up over time to no longer be affected so deeply by them.
I thought I would share with all of you some of the comments I have received. I have had a family friend grab my hips jokingly while in a bikini and state “OH to be 18!!”. At this point I was getting diagnosed with anorexia, speaking to multiple clinicians about recovery options and deeply depressed as I was having to cancel all of my summer plans both with friends and trips abroad. Although it satisfied me for her to glamorise my ED body I also couldn’t help but think, yeah well this may be an 18 year olds body but it is a very unhappy one.
When I was about a week or so into in person treatment I went for dinner at another family friends house. They even knew about everything that was going on! It was a challenge in itself as I was eating other people’s cooking and trying to eat at a normal speed. Anyway, at that point I hadn’t quite built pudding after dinner into my meal plan. That was next weeks challenge…Someone had brought round brownies for pudding and I politely declined as it was just a bit too tricky. Nevertheless, they were insistent and made me feel more and more uncomfortable. It was at that point that someone across the table piped up and said ‘Well look at her, of course she doesn’t look like the kind of person to eat a brownie.’ Ha Ha HA. How uncomfortable did that make me feel! I desperately wanted to eat a brownie but was at war with my brain about the curry I just ate and couldn’t deal with the consequences of a square of chocolatey heaven. I got so angry I just wanted to turn around and shout in their face ‘I have fucking anorexia leave me alone and keep your invasive body commentary to yourself!!!!’.
Cut to almost a year later and me at work with a side of commentary to boost. As is the nature of bartending I spend a lot of time on my feet and my body is still recovering from the effects of my ED. Well after 8 hours on my feet I eat to my hearts content in the kitchen with my staff meal before beginning the long process of closing up shop. While inhaling my food a large security guard had the audacity to say that he could never eat the amount that I had on my plate. He began to jokingly make fun of what was actually a reasonably sized dinner based off my activity levels. Once again I felt like yelling at him or letting him know about my eating disorder to make him feel very uncomfortable. However, I didn’t instead I bit my tongue, laughed along and moved on with my life because I dislike confrontation.
These are just a few examples of some unhelpful comments. I have received a lot more over the course of my life. I protect myself through the simple reminder that it is not anything to do with me. All the comments that people have made are to do with their own insecurities which they are projecting onto me. I can eat as much food as I want at the end of a long shift and I also have a right to wear a bikini without anyone unnecessarily commenting or touching my body. Humans fundamentally are egocentric human beings. So the next time someone says something about you, your body, or your eating habits remember it is normally something to do with their own issues and nothing to do with you!