Things have not been going so great

No specific theme to this post. I just need to write everything down because the anxiety is getting pretty bad…

So as I wrote in the title, things have not been going so well recently. This is the longest I have ever been away from home in my life and the longest period of time since I have seen my family. Not only that, but this is the longest I have gone without daily eating disorder support. I know Kevin resented her for doing it, but my mum was always someone who held me accountable in my recovery. I really miss her gentle reminders to have breakfast and snacks, and when she served nutritious home cooked food, so I didn’t have to deal with anxiety myself.

But she’s not here and I haven’t had anyone tell me what to do in over three months. I was managing pretty okay at first, but as classes are reaching their final stages and I am at the final push of a 15 week semester, it is getting really hard. Kevin has wormed his way in and I am really struggling to keep him out.

I am skipping some meals again because the anxiety of going to the big dining hall with my friends is overwhelming. I am scared I am going to overeat or not eat what I want and “waste” a meal. I have had to deal with a lot of triggering meal time comments since starting college. At the start of the semester that was fine, but now when my mental and physical hardiness is low, it is taking everything in my power not to get angry. Every time I am confronted with a disordered or unhelpful comment or behaviour I just have to leave.

What’s worse, because of the anxiety, stress, and not eating in regular intervals, the mental health team said they can’t support me anymore. Being told they can’t offer me the care they think I need was really hard. So now I don’t have the consistent support that was keeping me afloat.

I have to deal with a referral, health insurance, another intake assessment (I feel like a pro at this point, got my ED history nailed down to a quick 2 minute narration), cost, scheduling, building a new relationship of trust with a therapist. All long, hard, difficult tasks right at the end of my semester.

I’m really tired of the fight and have been on the verge of tears in most of my classes this week. The panic attacks are back and I had to lie on the floor of the library bathroom and remember my “coping bucket skills” I haven’t had to use for over a year. I just want to curl up in a nice, warm, dimly lit room. I feel very unsafe in myself and my body and buried emotions are resurfacing.

I have only known my new friends for a few months, which makes it hard to share and articulate what is happening. The facade is beginning to crack as I struggle to put on my fake happy face.

Break is in four days! Thank God. I can push through this last bit. A change of scenery and being with my wonderful godmother and her family will help!

I am honest when I write this blog and so I want to be authentic for those who read it. Anorexia is shit, and relapses are a part of things I guess. It isn’t linear that is for sure. I am a functioning anorexic, but currently the functioning battery is getting very low and I am in much need of family recharge.