I had a bit of a wobble this week. I started with my new therapist and had to go through my entire eating disorder history. It was a triggering hour of bringing up some difficult memories and emotions. I was left feeling pretty raw, exposed, and scared.
At the end of the appointment, we spoke about a rough timeline and plan for my recovery. One thing we touched upon was what would happen if things didn’t get better. In other words, if I stay where I am, I will have to go back to in-patient. I had the realisation that I’m going to have to go back even if I don’t get worse. If I stay in this state of quasi-recovery it will be the end of college, travel plans, and so, so much more. I only have one option: go forward.
However, if I go forward I am going to have to deal with all the self-loathing and discomfort that caused me to slip back a year ago. In my appointment this week, I relived all those emotions and became incredibly overwhelmed. I had a cry and used my wonderful network of support. They were so lovely and helped me sort through everything in my head. I now have a plan and will keep putting one foot in front of the other.
I ended up feeling so much better. Some old bad habits were slipping in when I arrived by at school, so I did some “opposite action.” Low and behold it worked! I am nourished, I have energy, I am enjoying my classes, I am having fun with my friends, and I have found a new sense of motivation. I risk losing too much if I stay where I am. I received a really lovely message a few weeks ago from someone who told me she had broken up with her ED for good. My mum helped me realise I can do that too, and I can be free. Recovery is my fourth class this semester and I will get a bloody A!!
Comments