I am at a crossroads currently and I find myself faced with the same conundrum almost weekly. When things are going well in my life I whole heartedly choose recovery. I challenge myself with meals, fear foods and embrace the bloat! Yet, when things are not going so well I find myself straying from this recovery road I am currently on. I make excuses and let Kevin in and slowly things begin to slip…
I won’t lie these last few months have been a bit all over the place. Especially the last couple of weeks. Although I was travelling and living my “best life” meals were all over the shop and I found myself restricting the day after a fun and boozy night out. I had a few bad days and a few good. Overall, however, Kevin moved into my head. He was slowly filtering into more and more of my thought processes and I became increasingly reluctant to fight him. I just wanted to enjoy the last few weeks of my time away. I found it more difficult to decipher what was me and what was him. When you restrict, as many know, your energy levels drop and so does your ability to make logical decisions.
When I came home I started skipping meals like I did sometimes while away and restricting on days where I knew I might be having a cocktail or some extra ice cream for pudding. My therapists in treatment would always tell me that it is important not to let a slip turn into a slide. Well, I am so mad with myself to say this, but since leaving treatment I have not stuck to my meal plan. I can not remember the last time I had my morning snack or had a week completely ‘on track’. ED’s are cruel and if you give them an inch they will take a mile.
Well, in the last few weeks things have been going pretty well for me. I had my first meal plan day yesterday for the first time in a very, very long time. I had all my snacks and meals and did not exercise to try and compensate for it. This morning, however, I was still really bloated and full. I was planning on restricting through the day to make up for all the “unnecessary” (Kevin’s word not mine) food I had yesterday. But you know what - I didn’t! I had lunch and breakfast and I didn’t do the workout that Kevin was pushing REALLY hard for me to do. I also had a slice of my ridiculously decadent and scrumptious birthday cake…
Recovery win today! However, I know if I get some bad news or I am having an off day I will struggle to have the mental strength and resilience to push through the discomfort. I know though that I do not want to be living in this half way house when I turn 20. This post is a reminder to myself and to any others that need to hear this: ‘You can choose recovery on the bad days and the good!’
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