For the last 6 years something I have learnt to do really well is to be busy. I have perfected the art of micromanaging my life down to the minute so I can squeeze everything I need to do into a day. I once read that 'every second you live is a second closer to dying'. I know that is a very morbid quote but it is one that stuck with me. I have become so obsessed with utilising every second that I really struggle to just stop.
My eating disorder hit when I had nothing to be busy with. When there was nothing to do my eating disorder gave me something: a walk, a workout and exercises I had to do every night before sleeping. It was only when I started therapy that I even realised my ingrained need to be busy was a bit of a problem. If my busyness were a chart it would look something like an exponential increase, a climax, followed by a crash and nadir. This cycle has repeated itself over and over these past few years and eventually the scenario on the chart was an ED and an SOS cry for help. Even when I was in treatment I would pack my spare hours and weekends with social commitments. I was naive enough to think I could do both and wound up having panic attacks on a Monday afternoon after a day of group therapy. It was an inevitable consequence of doing too much and then needing to confront, dismantle and challenge my ED.
In the few months I was in treatment I eventually learnt to pause for a bit and take my foot off the gas pedal. I found colouring while listening to podcasts really therapeutic and begun adding in 10 minutes of sitting in the garden while drinking my morning cup of coffee and doing nothing. I really tried to build more balance into my life and succeeded for a little while. However, I am writing this as I have realised the busyness has crept back in...
I am currently working one full time job Monday - Friday, one part time job Friday - Sunday nights and one steady on and off job in the evenings. This is all done while trying to maintain a social life, plan for college in two months and build in some rest time, which I don't really have. Now don't get me wrong, I am very happy with all the different things I am doing at the moment but I know I am doing too much. I need to show up for the part of me that wants to stop and chill and have not just one or two hours but 24 to chill and try and do nothing - something that I find very, very tricky to do.
The busyness is one of my manager parts that I owe a lot of thanks to. It has not only enabled me to achieve so much but has kept me safe from my exiles. Yet, I really want to give it a break and hopefully head off to university without chronic exhaustion!
(I used a bit of Internal Family Systems (IFS) language above. If you want to learn a bit more about it here is a link: Internal Family Systems Therapy (goodtherapy.org))
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