According to the NHS website, body dysmorphic disorder (BDD), or body dysmorphia, is a mental health condition where a person spends a lot of time worrying about flaws in their appearance. These flaws are often unnoticeable to others.
For me it was my legs. It actually took me a really long time to even speak about my issues with my legs. It only popped up in a body awareness session about a month and a half into treatment. When I began to verbalise my discomfort with them, I realised I had more than just a body image problem. For the longest time all I could see when I looked at people were their legs. Not a body but face and legs. It is weird, I know, and I can’t really explain it, but it all stems from a complete and utter loathing of my own pair of legs. I couldn’t wear certain types of dresses, skirts or skinny jeans and if I did I would spend the entire time obsessing about what they looked like on. I would body check on reflective surfaces at every opportunity and analyse every single angle. It got to a point where I couldn't have a bath because I would have to look at them, which really pissed me off cause I really like a nice hot bubble bath.
My ED actually sprung up in such extreme force from a desire to sculpt my legs. I really wanted to take the opportunity to change a part of my body that I have so vehemently despised my entire life. Even when I look at a full body length photo I am never interested in what is going on other than how my legs look. When I was in the depths of my anorexia I kept on pushing and pushing to see a change, however, Kevin was never satisfied. They were never quite slim enough and in fact in my head they hadn’t even changed at all. I became more and more frustrated as all the other parts of my body were changing and my thighs and calfs just weren’t.
I still hate my legs and seeing them grow when I began committing to my recovery was incredibly traumatising and one of the biggest things that held me back. I have been encouraged to look at my legs as a functioning body part rather than something I need to like. Acknowledge everything they have done for me rather than focus on their aesthetics. I struggle a lot. How can I begin to change my attitude about a body part which I can never remember liking?
Well, I am starting small. I covered up the full length mirror in my bedroom, my biggest enemy. Let’s be honest here, as long as I can see in a shoulder height mirror that I don't have anything in my teeth that's all that really matters. Secondly, something I am trying to do more and more is to not look at other people’s legs when I walk down the street. I do it non-stop and I am trying really hard to cut that out. As Theodore Roosevelt said, ‘comparison is the thief of joy’ and so I shall strive to stop looking at others legs and idolising what is just Joe Bloggs strolling down the street. Finally, I am going to give myself permission to wear whatever clothes I want no matter how my legs look or what the number says on the scales. If I like it I am going to wear it.
I may never love my legs, yet in time I hope that my dysmorphia lessens. I no longer want to spend 90% of my thinking capacity pondering on what is merely a functional body part.
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