Sometimes I get tired being in my head.
I came to the realisation sitting on the train on my way home from a nice few days visiting a friend that the thoughts I was having about eating a small brunch bar were not normal. I have become so used to the daily and constant battle in my brain that it took me sitting on the train staring out the window to realise this war is not something everyone experiences. I can not remember a time when I would not go to bed and analyse everything I had eaten that day; it is almost as if it is my night time routine to lie in bed and run through my food intake. The guerilla tactics Kevin deploys changes from questioning adding an extra splash of olive oil to the pan knowing it will make the food taste better but at the risk of a couple more calories, to whether I can have a packet of oven baked walkers crisps rather than snacker jacks. Both are salt and vinegar and I like them both a lot, however, the rice cakes are easier, fewer grams of fat.
Everything and I mean EVERYTHING I have a mini mental battle about and it gets really bloody tiring. If want a latte, which brand of almond milk should I have? The one with 10 more calories or not? Or should I just have a black coffee because then I avoid the mental struggle. It is just very tiring and sometimes I can't be bothered to fight.
At times I get very confused as to who is speaking and governing my tiny daily decisions. Is it Ordinary Georgia just trying not to care and seeing food as fuel, Kevin trapping me in my ED, or pro-recovery Georgia channeling my favourite ‘opposite action’ mantra. I really do not know when the struggle is going to stop because it feels like it has been going on for far toooooo long. I remember when I first went into treatment and I genuinely believed after 4 weeks my anorexia would be cured. Yet here I am, well over half a year later, still living it daily. I know recovery is a long and arduous process, but it did not quite occur to me I would still be living and pushing through these anorexic thoughts all the time even at this point. I sometimes detach myself from it which can help. See the thoughts as something foreign to myself so I do not get overwhelmed by the anxiety of what to eat. The tactic has helped in a lot of scenarios these past few months when I have been travelling and needed to hold myself accountable. However, I think it is time for a switch up.
At the start of each week when I was in treatment I would make a small achievable goal for that week. This week, the way I am choosing to diminish the power of the battle in my head is to let someone else pick at least three different meals I have this week. There we go. Goal set...
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