Excuse the complete and utter radio silence this last month. To say life has been very busy and stressful would be an understatement. It is more of an apology to myself if anything and the part that has not received the self-care it has really needed. However, as I approach the precipice of my next adventure I have found a moment to express some thoughts and musings.
Tomorrow I shall be crossing the continent to go to college in America. My American Dream, so to speak, has been something I have wanted since I was around 11 years old, cemented when I visited Harvard age 14 and worked towards for the past 5 years. I know that might sound a bit extreme but it is true. All the hard work and hours slaved away on music practice and essays has led to this point. Now I am 24 hours away from boarding a plane and the emotions are multifarious.
Obviously one of the biggest challenges will be feeding and looking after myself properly for the next few months. I am aware I will have a support network around me of family a few states away and a mental health centre on campus but, nevertheless, it is still daunting. I really am on my own. I need to hold myself accountable as I won’t have my lovely mum serving me regular dinner portions rather than Kevin approved ones.
The voice has been really loud recently as a consequence of tiredness, partying, socialising and working to such an extreme extent. Yet, it has not completely won. I am annoyed to say it has dictated a couple of choices I have made when I was just too exhausted to deal with the anxiety and guilt that comes when I fight it. One day I know if I push hard enough it will have no control and I truly do believe if I carry on creating a space to hold myself accountable I will manifest that reality!
I read it so often but it is true: recovery is a choice. It is a hard choice but a necessary one. It is a something that cannot be done to you by someone else. It doesn’t have a prescription or small pill. So as I embark on this new chapter of my life I am going to choose recovery whole heartedly. If I want to get the most out of what will be an amazing college experience Kevin is going to have to stay on the other side of the pond.