I relapsed recently. I knew Kevin was taking over and I let him back in because my physical and mental hardiness got low. However, as much as I am angry with myself for letting it happen, I am going to get back on track with a Hard reset. With a capital H!
As I am reminding myself daily, a relapse doesn’t mean I will never recover. Sometimes falling is part of the process. Anorexia is my demon and skeleton in the closet, which is an uncomfortable thing to know, but in that uncomfortableness, I will be able to grow because I am at a place of acknowledgement.
I am going to use this hard reset to reclaim my power and get back up. As my lovely carer told me, I need to write down the affirmation: ‘I can do this.’ Often there is a lot of imposter syndrome when it comes to eating disorders. The voice in your head will just tell you that you aren’t sick enough. I had a medical check and it turns out I listened to that voice for too long. I found myself in another difficult meeting where I had to talk about scaling back workload and even the possibility dropping a semester.
It was the worst moment of deja vu. I realised Kevin had managed it again, he took my power away from me and started making my decisions. Fuck him and fuck this voice. Hard reset here we come. As I am writing this I know it is going to be tricky. Getting skinny and restricting is my unhealthy addiction, but I know it is not worth it. So three snacks, three meals, and no more compulsive exercise is my winter break prescription.
I wanted to remind myself and others that relapses happen to a lot of people and to varying degrees, but what is most important is getting back on track as quickly as possible. When I was discharged from treatment I asked my dietician: “What if I am not hungry for my morning snack in four months. Should I still have it even if I am weight restored?” Kevin was sneaky at that moment posing a question and fishing for an answer. Well of course she said “Yes, yes you need to have it. You need to be on this meal plan for at least a couple of years, if not more before you can start to make independent ED free decisions like that.” I was frustrated at the time but I heard and listened to what she said.
FYI - She’s right. A morning snack soon turns into an evening snack, then an afternoon snack, then lunch, breakfast, and dinner. Suddenly you are back to one meal a day and an hour and a half workout, at least, per day, and you are stuck wondering how you got there again. Well I know it was in the months when I stopped having my snacks. I struggle with snacks, as well as bananas. Bananas are my biggest fear food even though I love them. The focus of this reset: sufficient snacks and bananas. I know I won’t win the ED war over the Christmas break BUT I am going to win the snack and banana battle before I go back to college!
コメント